Undertaker Refuses To Lose…To Dying Boy



This is a Bastard Sports Exclusive. The Bastard Gentlemen have learned that WWE “Legend” The Undertaker refused to lose a video game wrestling match to a child dying of cancer. The Undertaker was appalled to learn that many other athletes given this opportunity would often lose on purpose. Undertaker reportedly refused believing that young talent has to pay its dues before UT would begin to think about losing. When reached for comment Randy Orton said, “I can relate. Fuck Mark Calloway.” More after the bump.

Holding better wrestlers down since 1990.
Holding better wrestlers down since 1990.

Ben Baxter is an 11-year old boy with Prostate Cancer. Make-A-Wish decided to grant his final wish and Ben decided that he wanted to hang out with several WWE superstars. Ben got to take a dump in a bag with Randy Orton. Ben robbed a Wendy’s with Booker T. Ben got engaged to AJ Lee. But Ben’s real passion is video games and because he lived so close to the hospital, Undertaker was asked to participate.

Ben asked to play his favorite video game “WWE ’13” and the Undertaker was set to be his opponent. XBOX controllers were passed out and Undertaker seemed willing to take the dive. Undertaker picked himself as his character. Ben picked his favorite wrestler CM Punk. Undertaker’s mouth suddenly curled into a frown. What follows is actual conversation:

Ben: I pick Punk. He’s the Best in the World!
UT: Well Punk is a great talent but he has not yet paid his dues and he has said some awful true things about the company.
Ben: Are you breaking kayfabe?
UT: You have to be a wrestler to use that word.
(Ben selects the Wrestlemania arena and UT becomes visibly upset.)
Ben: Since you only work two or three times a year we’re doing Wrestlemania!
UT: Still get paid for the full year.
(Match continues on. The advantage going back and forth. CM Punk lifts Undertaker for the “Go To Sleep” and lifts his knee into Video Game Undertaker’s face. Punk covers. Numbers flash across screen 1, 2…real Undertaker “accidentally” brushes XBOX with his foot and knocks console off table causing a catastrophic game error.)
Ben: You did that on purpose. (Heart monitor spikes up and down visibly.)
UT: Sorry, kid. I’ll re-start the game.
(Game is restarted and same settings are applied)
Ben: You go down this time, old man.
UT: (under his breath) I’m going to call Hunter and have Punk curtain-jerking against Ryder next week.
(match continues and Ben shows an aptitude for hitting reversal button at the right time. UT sets up the Tombstone and quickly pops the battery pack out of Ben’s controller. UT hits the Tombstone and gets pin before the batteries could be put into correct position.)
UT: Sorry, kid. You join the likes of Superfly Snuka, Jake Roberts, Giant Gonzalez, King Kong Bundy, Kevin Nash, Sid Vicious, Kane, Big Bossman, HHH, Ric Flair, Big Show, Albert, Kane again, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, Batista, Edge, Shawn Michaels twice, HHH again, HHH a 3rd time, Punk, and Ben.
Ben: You cheated. You’re an asshole. Cancer hurts.

Undertaker leaves room. Ben complains that he should have played against Daniel Bryan or Zack Ryder since they always have to lose. Wrestlemania streak intact.